Written on the back of my ticketless itinerary, here are my thoughts as I sat in the Chicago airport on my 3 hour layover on the way home from Indiana.
Reflections on a Funeral
My $3 airport pen is falling apart, but I'll scratch out what I can before it fails completely, resulting in either further expenditures or a conflustered toss of hands in the air.
So I'm sitting in Midway Airport in Chicago, munching my wasabi peas, with a whole lot of time to think about the past couple of days.
My mom's side of the family has always been close. This simultaneously freaks me out and gives me a huge guilt complex. Everytime I visit there are more new faces to memorize, more names to learn, and more stories to catch up on. And no matter how big the welcome or how numerous the hugs, I always feel the outsider--just a little bit.
I just don't get to visit as often as I'd like, or as I should. It had been about 5 years (5 YEARS!) since I'd been to see my Grandmother, and suddenly (not really, of course, but it feels like it) she's gone. Horribly, the biggest emotion I feel at her passing, aside from the loss, is guilt. I feel guilty that I didn't make any time in the past 5 years to go for a visit. It needn't have been a long visit. It didn't even have to be a visit with my mother present. I could have flown out for a weekend. But I didn't.
In addition to the guilt, I found my self feeling envious of my relatives in that area who got to see Grandma and spend time with her. Utterly ridiculous!
So feelings of guilt and enviousness aside, it's always a little strange to see someone at The Viewing. I'm not talking about the cousins, aunts and uncles here, I'm talking about the Guest of Honour. Besides the fact that it's just an unsettling tradition to see one of your own so oddly preserved, the whole scenario just raises a thousand questions for me.
Most of these questions concern my own viewing/wake. I really don't want a viewing, as such. I want to be cremated. So let's say a wake. First off, let's have some food. Munchies always lighten a mood. Make 'em some of my favourites so people can remember me sharing the recipe or trying a dish for the first time. Next, we need rockin' music. Maybe a slide show or powerpoint presentation with some goofy photos of my life and loves. I want laughter and stories; I want people celebrating my life.
Several times this weekend I found myself wanting to jump up or butt in and say "What is your favourite story of Grandma?", because I know there would have been innumerable tales. But I kept my mouth shut and now I'll probably never hear those stories. Grandma's viewing and funeral were somber, reflective, and respectful events. I want nothing of the sort.
1 comment:
Please accept the positive energy being sent to you. It will help you through your grief, guilt and envy. To add some additional information I suggest you pick up a copy of the book "Reiki: Hawayo Takata's Story". It is a marvelously written book about Reiki, the Japanese healing art. I am including the ethical principles of Reiki for your consideration. They come from the book.
Ethical Principles of Reiki
Just for today do not worry.
Just for today do not anger.
Honor your parents, teachers and elders.
Earn your living honestly.
Show gratitude to everything.
Dr. Mikao Usui
Within the book you will find information that will support your idea of your own "wake". In Reiki death is looked upon as a natural transition. It is a time to rejoice in the many blessings that were part of the relationship with the person who transititioned.
Your idea of a slide show/PowerPoint presentation on your life is wonderful. Last year at the viewing of my late sister-in-law, there was a slide show of her life. It was very poignant and loving. We all appreciated the funeral director's foresight. (He did say that this was the first time they had done it. There were nothing but positive comments about it.)
With that in mind we would all be well served if we began planning for our own transitions.
May peace and love be with you and your family.
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